The evolution of a habit.
I may prefer habits to resolutions, but January is still a great time to review and re-set.
Inspired by Optionality member Connie Kwan’s new Habit Formation for Leaders workshop series (see below for discount info for Optionality members), I’m going to share my approach.
I have long adopted a #notresolutionsjusthabits philosophy. Even though I’m anti-resolution, January is still a good time to review how I did on my habits for the previous year and to make changes for the upcoming year. Sometimes, the changes are about doubling down; sometimes, they’re about backing off. But it always requires self-reflection and digging into the details of why I am or am not keeping to the habits I say I want to.
Defining a habit involves thinking about the big-picture goals I want to achieve and breaking them down into steps. This process requires asking myself questions like a three-year-old might.
For example, more than ten years ago, I decided that a step to “getting healthier” (a generalized goal if there ever was one) would be to cook at home more often. But despite good intentions, I wasn’t really doing it. So, I had this Q&A session with myself:
Q. If you want to cook more, why aren’t you?
A. Because I’m tired when I get home, and it seems too daunting.
Q. Why are you so tired?
A. Because I don’t get home until nearly 8PM; I’ve been up since early morning, and I’ve worked a 10 hour day with a minimum 2 hours commuting.
Q. Why is that your schedule? Does it have to be?
A. Well. No, I guess not. I have flexibility I don’t take advantage of. I could work from home more. Or adjust my times in office. I hop on to work in the mornings and evenings from home anyway, so I could allow myself to adjust hours in the office to be less exhausted when I get home.
Q. Is being tired the only barrier?
A. No, I could also help myself by doing some planning, perhaps the Sunday before the week starts. Planning some recipes to use. Pre-chopping some veggies. A little prep would go a long way. Let me time-block a couple of hours on Sunday for this prep.
I changed my in-office schedule, calendared prep time on Sunday, and succeeded in cooking at home (and more healthfully) for quite some time.
It’s not always that easy. Let me tell you about a current habit that’s challenging me and how I’ve evolved my approach to succeed at this habit consistently.
The habit: Practicing the piano.
Back story: I started piano lessons when I was 5. I would never be a concert pianist or even a professional-grade pit player. Still, I did get paid to accompany some community theatre, and my playing allowed me the cushiest assignment as an apprentice at the summer stock theatre where I earned my union card: Putting together and playing for the nightly after-theatre show in the bar. I did vocal coaching, and I could play and sing for myself for pleasure. When I moved into the first home I owned, my Mom gave me the piano I grew up playing. Ten years ago, the piano came with me to our current house. And yet, I played less and less and less. And therefore, I became less and less and less good, which made me want to play even less and less and less—a vicious circle.
I decided I wanted to fix it. I needed to balance my life's portfolio with some of the creativity that was my first love and first vocation.
Optionality members get a special promo rate to join Connie’s Habit Formation workshop/community site here. Join the group of us who are already there.
Public members: Use the code OPT2499 to get the year-long workshop and community for $99 (regular price: $199)
Premium members: We sent you the code to get a year at no charge! We shared it in the Offers & Discounts channel on Slack and via email!
Here’s how it went:
Year One (2021): Set a desired habit to play three times a week for 30 minutes.
I did not reach that goal.
Year Two (2022): OK maybe three times a week for 30 minutes was too much. How about three times a week for 20 minutes? And let’s try time-blocking it.
I did not reach that goal.
Year Three (2023): I had a question and answer session with myself. I realized that I did not want to practice in front of anyone (because I felt I was not good anymore) and with the COVID lockdown, there was always someone there…namely my significant other. I spoke to a concert pianist I met, and she recommended her favorite 88-key keyboard that felt the most like a piano to her. It was an investment, almost $800, but I figured THIS was the key. Now I could play with headphones any time I wanted, and no one would hear. And knowing I put financial skin in the game would definitely motivate me…right?
I bought that keyboard. I definitely did a little better, but I did not reach my goal.
Year Four (2024): I backed off even further. How about two times a week for 20 minutes?
I did not reach that goal.
So here we are in Year Five (2025). I am having another Q&A with myself.
Do I really want to practice and get better at the piano again?
For that matter, do I really even care about feeding my creative side more?
Is playing the piano the only thing that can count as feeding my creative side?
For example, does all the work I do to synthesize data and information into storytelling about politics count as creative? Does making 3-Minute Book Review videos that I do purely for fun count as creative?
I don’t necessarily have definitive answers to the above, but for now, I’ve set a new goal for 2025, and it’s more broadly about feeding my creative side. That can mean playing, singing, even writing or creating content that is for and about my personal passions, not professional ones.
I’ll let you know how it goes :)
Have you ever tinkered with a habit or goal to find the right formula for motivating yourself to achieve it? Have you ever abandoned a habit or goal you thought was important to you, only to decide your inaction spoke louder than your lofty intentions? I’m really interested in what it takes for you to let a goal or intention go!
Here's mine: Practicing French. I had a forcing function in 2023 because we took a family trip to France, but I vowed to keep going and become fluent, something I never was, even with seven years of French classes. I have had 20-minute reminders on my calendar forever and by the end of the day simply erase them--my brain is too fried, or I need to get through email I missed during the work day. Reading Stacy's post I wonder if perhaps this is a matter of creating more room for this activity and addressing the email situation so it doesn't plague me at night, and even building in practice time during the day, when I'm fresher.
Getting more creativity into my life is a goal of mine for this year, too, as it was for last year. For me, I identified the issue keeping me from creative work as "I can't afford to make things that don't make money." Now, that is obviously patently dysfunctional thinking. Okay, fine, let's dispatch with that. But the more complicated reality that lay just beneath is that (1) making it a goal already made it feel like more WORK, which I didn't need more of; and (2) it requires directed attention, and last year my attention was stretched so thin due to financial stresses that I just couldn't spare the focused attention. I needed to watch TV, page through the New Yorker, do puzzles and etc. However THIS year, I know I can "afford" the attention. And I'm excited (and expect that I will still encounter further obstacles to picking up my three-years-neglected cross-stitching). So my question for you is: what do you do instead of play the piano? And what do those activities give you that you need? Then re-consider the piano in that framework. You might find your own insight that will reframe the notion for you that opens that door. Great topic!