Making work friends in your 20s

Did you make them? Did you keep them? Did you need them?

Last year, I went to an invitation-only, off-the-record conference where the future of work in general and hybrid work specifically were big topics of conversation. I observed there was a yearning from some attendees to return to the way work was in 2019. Now, their “way work was” wasn’t necessarily the way my work was…I’d already been working from home the majority of the time for years. Their work was in-person, in-office, and, from their perspective, more within their command and control.

Rather than talk about command and control, commercial real estate commitments, or any of the other drivers they might have cited, I noticed that these leaders had developed a particular way of expressing their preferences and concerns that was meant to sound altruistic, not controlling…like their personal preference for the way things were was driven only by thinking of others. Especially junior employees. For example, how would workplace newbies be mentored if everyone didn’t come back to in-office work? How would they establish team camaraderie and culture if everyone didn’t come back to in-office work? How on Earth would 20-somethings make friends if they didn’t commute two hours a day to spend 8-10 hours in an office every day??? They were only thinking of the younglings, don’tcha know.

I was amused, wondering if any of my bosses in my 20s cared a whit about whether I was making friends. More to the point (and call me cynical, but…), I was amused imagining that these bosses cared about it that much, either.

I endeavored to point out that since they represented leaders and managers in their companies, it was a management issue to be addressed with actual goals in mind, not just wishful thinking that things like mentorship and culture happen automagically when people are in an office. (I can’t be the only person who could assure them there is nothing automatic or magical about it!)

I also thought, but kept it to myself, that I would be willing to bet that back in 2019, their camaraderie, mentorship, and culture weren’t as ideal as they might have imagined if they couldn’t imagine how it would thrive now that circumstances had changed!

It made me think back, way back to the Stone Age. Who were my friends in my 20s? Did I make them at work? Was I still friends with any of them? Were these formative, lifelong relationships? Or were they situational, even ephemeral? For that matter, is there anything wrong with situational, ephemeral friendships? Or are they just as much a necessary part of emotional growth as forming strong, long ties?

It sent me down a rabbit hole this weekend. I lived in New York City from the age of 22 to 26. A couple of those years were spent doing temp work, not the kind of work where one forms close bonds. I spent two of those years working in the garment district for two different fashion designers, and I considered at least a few of my co-workers to have been friends at the time. I concentrated my efforts on finding one co-worker whose wedding I went to (who also happens to have a pretty distinctive name) and did find her on LinkedIn. But I could not find any of the others whose names I dug out of my memory…not on LinkedIn or Facebook, the two most likely places where most people end up at some point.

Now, it was a bit different back when I was in my 20s…staying in touch once you left a job or, as I did, moved cross country was a lot more effort. Landline phone calls, letters and postcards…those were the communication channels we had. Today, you can collect a passel of relationships and keep in light touch by connecting on social platforms. You’ll be reminded of their birthdays. You see when they had a big life event. You may learn more than you ever wanted to know about their politics.

I am still connected to some folks from my 20s, but it is not people I worked with 9 to 5. It’s the people who were also invested in my outside-work interests…in my case, theatre. Even though I haven’t participated in a production in 25 years, the theatre friends I worked with in my 20s became lifelong connections. If I think about each decade passing, I can see that I collected more work friends who became real friends as each decade rolled by.

That may be because social platforms make it easier to collect them, or it may be because my work life has become increasingly aligned with my values and interests compared to the jobs I took in my 20s, which were more about survival or trying stuff out.

So, dear Optionalists, these are my questions for you today:

1.     Did your friends in your 20s come mostly from your place of employment?

2.     Have you maintained close connections with those friends from your 20s, and do you see differences between the friends you have retained and those you haven’t?

3.     We hear a lot these days not to consider your work your family…but I think that advice is centered on expectations from management. Do you want (and expect) to make and keep friends from your workplace?

Enter the chat: Last week’s open thread was about “ally” as a verb, not a noun. How do you?

Join us Tuesday, June 18th/12PM PT for June member webinar: The State of Platform Building Today. Understanding Your Options to Create, Monetize, and Protect Your Work in the Attention Economy, with Jory Des Jardins in conversation with Danielle Wiley from Sway Group, Emily Lakin from Patreon, and IP lawyer Ruky Tijani.